By Anna Charles
One evening in April 2020, I was preparing dinner at home. I had laid out the ingredients in front of me and was chopping potatoes when I noticed it: a full glass of white wine. Right there on the kitchen surface next to the onions.
I stared at it.
I had no recollection of pouring the wine. None.
But perhaps it wasn’t me? Perhaps my husband had slipped into the kitchen unobserved? I checked. He wasn’t home.
How was it possible that I had entered the kitchen to make dinner, walked to the fridge, opened the door, lifted out the bottle of white, unscrewed it, grabbed a glass from the cupboard, poured the wine, replaced the bottle and put the glass on the counter without even being aware?
I’d experienced this when driving to work. You may be familiar with the phenomenon: you arrive at your destination without remembering much about the journey.
But in that moment, in my kitchen, I realised that my drinking had become an automatic, unconscious activity. A true habit.
To put this in context, I was highly-functioning. I didn’t have a huge drinking problem. Yes, it was affecting me negatively, but not my family, my friends or my work. My life wasn’t unmanageable and I didn’t need or want to quit drinking forever.
But whenever I said I was looking for help, I was told one of two things: 1) I should stop drinking immediately and for ever, declare myself an alcoholic and go to meetings OR 2) stop making such a fuss (because everyone drinks, Anna!) and live a little.
It was extremely frustrating. None of the ‘traditional’ approaches – rehab, recovery or sobriety – resonated with me. I knew I wasn’t a hopeless addict who needed to declare herself powerless in the fight against wine. I just drank a bit too much.
More than two types of drinker
I quickly realised we are taught there are two types of drinker: alcoholics and those who drink normally.
No wonder so many people think there must be something wrong with them if they say yes to a drink when they really want to say no.
For I contend there is a third category: those who are highly functioning, but feel they are drinking too much – something I call ‘overdrinking’. The actual amount doesn’t really matter (it could be two glasses or two bottles); if you don’t like the life you’ve created around alcohol, it’s time to act.
A matter of skills
One of my early breakthroughs came when I decided to tackle my overdrinking as I would any work project. After all, I had a successful career at a Fortune 500 company so I knew a thing or two about solving problems.
I shifted my viewpoint and made overdrinking a skill set issue. The reason I struggled to drink less was not because I was this broken person who was never destined to get her act together. No. I struggled simply because I didn’t know how to drink less.
This one simple realization made so much difference because it meant: a) there was hope, b) I just had to identify and learn the missing skills and c) I gave myself a path forward.
From that moment, after 27+ years of excess, I went on to completely change my relationship with alcohol. These days I prefer not to drink but don’t label myself ‘sober’ – instead I have a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude to alcohol which I find energising and freeing. This completely changed my outlook on what was possible in my life.
I ditched the corporate job and now work with other high achievers who struggle to drink a glass of wine without it turning into two bottles. I show them how to stop overdrinking – whether to moderate or go sober – so know this approach works.
Uncross your fingers
As we move through the mega party season followed by New Year’s resolutions and (for many) the restriction and misery of Dry January, I want to offer a different perspective.
If you want to get back a sense of sunshine and grow in 2024, if you truly want to get your overdrinking under control and your life back on track, here are five top tips to get started. These work in any situation – whether to successfully navigate the party season, to maintain your motivation during Dry January or to just drink ‘normally’:
1) New year, new plans
There is tremendous value in planning. After all, we plan so much in our lives – what we’ll eat for dinner, who’s going to drop the kids at school, which route we’ll take to work – so plan your drinks too.
Why? Because drinking intentionally feels totally different to drinking mindlessly. It becomes a choice that you control rather than something you just do.
Here’s how: Imagine you call me in February to talk about New Year’s Eve and how your year has started – “Anna, I did this … !!” What do you want to say? That you abstained? That you had a glass of champagne and that’s it? That you drank three glasses of wine with dinner and were alcohol free the rest of the evening? There’s no ‘right’ answer – just what you want for yourself. So decide that in advance. Take this deeper by watching my free video series: 3 Key Things to Get Your Drinking Under Control.
2) Reassess what’s fun
We are conditioned to believe that drinking = fun and that not drinking = boring.
Things changed for me when I realised that drinking on repeat was boring. Worrying when I could top up my glass was boring. Feeling hungover in the morning was boring. Being stuck in the same problem was boring.
What was fun? Connecting with people, that’s fun. Being able to drive home, that’s fun. Feeling proud of myself, that’s fun. Waking fresh as a daisy, that’s fun.
Here’s how: Focus on what you’re gaining rather than what you’re losing. How will it feel to actually listen to people instead of nodding along while you think about your next drink? How will it feel to see yourself bossing it?
3) Make a new mind movie
We’re really good at visualising worst case scenarios. We worry life is going to seem so boring without wine. We see ourselves in the corner eating all the snacks, feeling deprived. No wonder we find it hard to join in without booze.
Instead make a new mind movie of you having all the fun without all the alcohol. This is just as possible an outcome, it’s just a bit harder to imagine as you’re not used to it. So intentionally see yourself successfully navigating life, drinking no more than you planned.
Here’s how: Decide what you want to experience. Write it down. Share it with somebody. Practice seeing it in your mind ahead of time. Really practice feeling yourself having all the fun without overdrinking.
4) Start putting yourself first
So many people use alcohol to push on through the stresses and strains of life. They put everyone else first – their spouse, boss, colleagues, friends, children – which is in turns exhausting and frustrating. When we hold ourselves back, when we do things we don’t want to do, when we say yes to others and try to make everyone else happy, we start to feel as though our life isn’t our own. This plants the seeds of resentment.
No wonder we start to see having a drink (or three) at the end of the day as the only thing we get to do for ourselves.
No wonder we start to associate drinking with me-time.
No wonder we see drinking as our reward, as a way to mark the moment we’re off the clock.
No wonder we quickly learn that wine = relaxation.
No wonder our brain then associates our decision to stop drinking wine at the end of the day as a sign we are going to stop relaxing.
No wonder this feels terrible and has us running to the wine – the very behaviour we wanted to change.
Here’s how: Do an inventory of how much time you give to yourself versus other people. Check in with how you feel about this. Identify other ways to relax at the end of the day which don’t involve alcohol.
5) Remember you aren’t 14 anymore
I used to dread that question. You know the one: ‘Why aren’t you drinking?’ How should I answer? What would people think if I said ‘water’? Would they think I was boring? (Something I secretly agreed with.) Would I feel left out? Would I crack and give in?
Worrying what others are thinking steals our joy, is a pointless distraction and makes us feel bad. We want to keep this light and easy. We want to enjoy ourselves. So do yourself a favour and stop worrying about what other people think. You will feel more free, more alive and you’ll drink an awful lot less. (Besides people really don’t care as much as you think. And if they do, they’re not your people.)
Here’s how: Remind yourself: “I’m not 14 anymore. I’m done with following the crowd.” You can choose to say why you’re not drinking (if so, I recommend a planned and practiced response) or you can simply say: “I prefer not to’” You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
The time is now
If you’re through with overdrinking, this is your moment for change. You don’t need to wait for 1 January. You don’t need to ‘do’ Dry January. Instead start now. Take action on just one of these five tips and you will start to feel more empowered and in control. It will also give you valuable proof that life with less (or no!) alcohol is more fun than you think.
About the author:
Anna Charles works with high achievers who struggle to drink a glass of wine without it turning into two bottles. She’s the person they call when they want to take it or leave it. She teaches a simple, doable way to live a full life without worrying what’s in your glass.
Contact: anna@90dayslater.co
Web: 90dayslater.co
Free video course: 3 Key Things to Get Your Drinking Under Control