As Annie lit the candles for what was to be their eighth wedding anniversary dinner, she imagined laughter and connection. Instead, Marco walked through the door an hour late with a smile asking, “What’s all this?”. He had forgotten. Again.
“I thought anniversaries mattered to you,” Annie whispered, her voice trembling, this was not just about a missed date but about feeling unseen.
What Annie didn’t know then was that Marco had ADHD. And their love story? It is one many couples share: Love tangled in misunderstandings neither fully understands.
Why ADHD interrupts Love
In the UK around 3-4% of adults live with ADHD, of which nearly 80% go undiagnosed (NICE, 2019). This means roughly around 2 million adults living with undiagnosed ADHD many in struggling relationships. As Annie puts it: “It felt as if we were slowly moving apart to being strangers.”
Melissa Orlov, author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage, points out that ADHD couples are twice as likely to divorce. Not because they are less loving but because ADHD symptoms feel deeply personal.
Orlov identifies four common friction points:
- Forgetfulness
“Honey, did you take the bins out?”
“Oh, I forgot again.”
Over time, the non-ADHD partner starts feeling like a parent instead of a partner.
- Impulsivity
A shiny new gadget appears along with the credit card bill. - Emotional Intensity
A small disagreement about laundry explodes into an argument. ADHD often comes with emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity, so minor issues feel huge. - Uneven Workload
Planning, chores, mental load – usually tend to land on the non-ADHD partner.
These frictions-built resentment and shame and then end up creating a Parent-Child dynamic: one becomes the nagging parent, and the other feels like a grown-up kid who is not living up to expectations.
Marco and Annie’s Turning Point
Marco had splurged on a gaming console just weeks after agreeing they wanted to save for a holiday.
“Do you even care about us?’” Annie recalls screaming
Marco shot back, “For once, I wanted something just for me. I can’t win with you!’
That night Marco googled: Why can’t I follow through on anything? The answer changed everything. ADHD was not an excuse – it was an explanation. “Seeing it in black and white was surreal,” Marco says. “All the stuff I loathed about myself had a label. And it wasn’t ‘bad husband.”
Why ‘Trying Harder’ Doesn’t Work
ADHD is not about laziness or not caring. It is about how the brain is wired to handles time, attention and emotion. So telling people who have ADHD to just try harder is unhelpful. They need to try differently.
Melissa Orlov suggests six steps that might help you, as they helped Annie and Marco:
- Spot the Patterns
Understand the ADHD Brain. Most of us have a poor sense of what our partner’s cognitive style is like. Awareness turns blame into teamwork. - Shift the Approach
Forget “just try harder.” Build ADHD-friendly systems—timers, alarms, visual reminders. - Available resources
What kinds of help are out there for you, and which ones are right for you?
Medication, therapy or ADHD coaching -these can change everything. Marco says: “I had to own my ADHD. Annie could support me, but she couldn’t fix it for me.” - Create Systems That Stick
Shared calendars. Whiteboards. Annie and Marco now do a scheduled Sunday “check-in” to keep surprises (and fights) away. - Communicate Differently
What do effective couples do that you don’t do? Annie stopped saying, “You never listen” and started saying, “I feel stressed when the bins don’t go out.” A small shift with a big impact. - Bring Back Joy
Plan fun activities, not just logistics. Celebrate small wins.
What Made the Biggest Difference?
Annie still laughs about the first time Jack’s phone buzzed with a reminder: Anniversary tomorrow. “I nearly cried,” she says. Marco nods. “It’s not romantic, but these systems save us. And honestly? I think that feels like love, because we’re both showing up.
Practical Tips You Can Try Today
- Shared calendars and to-do apps (Google Calendar, Todoist)
- Sticky notes in key spots (Mirror, front door)
- Quick-list pad on fridge for groceries
- Body doubling—tackle chores together
- Speak in “I feel” statements
Why It Works
ADHD partners stop feeling inadequate. Non-ADHD partners drop the parent role. Together you move from blame to trust and love.
As Orlov reminds us: Understand the impact. Seek treatment. Build systems. Communicate with care. Celebrate small wins.
I see struggling couples like Marco and Annie every day. The good news? Change is possible. If this resonates, reach out to us at The Greenhouse Therapy Rooms —turn confusion into clarity, and frustration into connection.
The author Katja Brodt de Sousa is a Psychotherapist
If you would like to talk to anyone about the issues raised in this blog click here to find a therapist in Chiswick at The Greenhouse Therapy Rooms