By Dr. Carol-Ann Dixon Counselling Psychologist and Imago Relationship Therapist
Online dating was supposed to make love easier. With a swipe, a match, a message — connection could be just around the corner. But for many, including myself, the experience has often been less about love and more about repeated emotional turbulence. It becomes a cycle — attracting the wrong partners, repeating painful patterns, and losing ourselves in the process.
Attracting the Wrong People: A Familiar Beginning
My younger self didn’t have a very good judge of character. If someone liked me — or even just looked at me with interest — that was enough. I’d chase the spark, hungry for connection, unaware that I was responding more to being noticed than being known. As I later learned, being seen and feeling seen are two very different things.
That “look of interest” I once treasured could mean anything from fleeting curiosity to a mild attraction, but I mistook it as a sign of true connection. I latched on quickly, seeking affirmation in every interaction. Unsurprisingly, the nightmare followed: mismatched partners, one-sided relationships, and more heartbreak than healing.
Reading Harville Hendrix’s Keeping the Love You Find was a turning point. It helped me understand the patterns I had been playing out were rooted in childhood — the desperate need to be seen, validated, and chosen. I was unconsciously reenacting my “blueprint of love,” formed early in life. Once I could see it, I could begin to change it.
The Rollercoaster of Hope and Disappointment
Modern dating often feels like emotional whiplash. One moment, you’re feeling hopeful — a match! — and the next, you’re ghosted or met with cold detachment. It’s a pattern that wears you down.
As journalist and author Anna Iovine wrote for Mashable, “The constant highs and lows of dating apps can mess with your brain. It’s not just emotionally draining — it’s addictively engineered to keep you swiping, always seeking but rarely finding.”
Each rejection, each unanswered message chips away at confidence. You start to wonder: Is it me? Am I unlovable? And if you’re lucky enough to meet someone promising, the next fear creeps in: What if this isn’t the right person? What if there’s someone better?
The Paralysis of Possibility
In a world where options seem endless, commitment becomes terrifying. You’re haunted by what-ifs and plagued by the fear of settling. You don’t want to hurt anyone — but your own indecision can be just as painful. You pull back. You second-guess. And often, you end up alone again.
“Online dating feeds a kind of perfectionism,” writes The Atlantic’s Olga Khazan. “When people are given too many options, they may end up less satisfied with their final choice — or too paralysed to choose at all.”
That fear — of choosing wrong, of missing out or what I term “FOMAB”: the Fear of Missing Anything Better— can be deeply rooted in past relational trauma. For me, it was the realisation that I had never asked do I even like them? I was so focused on being liked that I forgot I had agency in the equation.
Actress Charlize Theron once said in an interview, “I spent so much of my life wondering if people liked me. It took me a long time to ask if I even liked them.” Her words struck a deep chord. Like her, I had finally started asking the right question.
Healing the Pattern
The journey of healing from the cyclical trauma of online dating is not about giving up on love — it’s about understanding the deeper story behind your patterns.
You have to unlearn the idea that attention equals affection. That connection is more than chemistry. That just because someone notices you doesn’t mean they see you.
Your “blueprint of love” is real. It’s shaped by your early experiences and quietly steers who you’re drawn to — and who you attract. Bringing this unconscious map into consciousness is one of the most empowering things you can do.
It’s not about blaming yourself. It’s about becoming aware. Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never make mistakes again — but it means you’ll recognise them earlier. You’ll choose more wisely. And you’ll come home to yourself.
Love is Possible — But It Starts With You
Some days, you may wonder if love is even possible for you. But let me offer this: You are not too much. You are not broken. You are not unlovable. You are worthy of being truly seen, known, and cherished — not just noticed.
Sometimes, the greatest act of self-love is unbecoming who you became just to survive, and returning to who you truly are. Your blueprint can be revised. Your story can be rewritten. Your heart can heal.
Because love isn’t just something you find. It’s something you build — from the inside out. And that’s worth keeping.
“Keeping the Love You Find”, a transformative two-day workshop for singles on May 17-18, 2025, in London.
Embarking on the journey to find and maintain a fulfilling romantic relationship can be both exhilarating and challenging. For singles seeking to deepen their understanding of personal relationship patterns and cultivate healthier connections, my Keeping the Love You Find workshop offers an interactive, transformative experience. Based on the principles outlined in the book of the same name by renowned relationship therapists Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, this workshop provides invaluable insights and practical tools for personal growth and relational success.
Understanding the Workshop’s Foundation
Perhaps you’ve heard it said: The biggest block to receiving the love we want is our inability to fully love ourselves. Indeed, our shadow parts—those aspects of ourselves to which we are consciously unaware yet act out, or project in relationships—can get in the way, blocking us from fully giving and receiving love.
Keeping the Love You Find is an eye-opening workshop that shines a light on these shadow parts, helping us “wake up” to our own resistance and unconscious projections in relationships. These “missing” parts of ourselves often sabotage what we truly want! Relationships, as it turns out, provide a keen road map for developing our individual wholeness. They are our best teachers for learning to accept and love ourselves.
This compassionate and transformative workshop guides participants in using the mirror of relationships to become more relational-aware. In doing so, attendees grow into the mutually responsible, loving partners they wish to be—partners who will naturally attract and invite the love they long for.
Why Attend?
Are you tired of the same dating disappointments? If you feel stuck in a cycle of rejections, mismatched connections, or short-lived relationships, it’s time for a real breakthrough.
Do any of these sound familiar?
Attracting the wrong partners and repeating painful patterns
Feeling exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster of dating
Losing confidence after rejection or ghosting
Struggling to open up and trust again
Battling to commit in case you have chosen the wrong person and there may be someone better
Tired of hurting people because of your indecision and fears
Wondering if love is even possible for you
Knowing you deserve better
What You’ll Gain
In this powerful two-day workshop, you will:
Uncover why you keep choosing (or losing) the wrong relationships
Explore your Imago relationship profile (blueprint of attraction)
Identify and break self-sabotaging habits in love
Understand why you may be avoiding commitment
Make sense of FOMA (Fear of Missing Anything)
Discover how past experiences shaped your self-protection—and why this no longer serves you
Gain the tools to build deep, lasting, and healthy connections
Have fun unlocking your hidden strengths and stepping into your full power
Meet like-minded singles and gain support
Workshop Structure
The Keeping the Love You Find workshop typically unfolds over a weekend, combining lectures, demonstrations, personal reflection, and interactive dialogues. This immersive approach ensures that attendees not only gain theoretical knowledge but also practical skills to implement in their daily lives.
Topics covered include:
Preparing for Love: Learning and practicing new ways to communicate without criticism, listen without judgment, and connect beyond differences.
Finding Love: Discovering the type of partner your unconscious will select for optimal personal growth and relational thriving.
Keeping Love: Practicing skills that create and sustain a safe and thriving relationship that matches your dream.
Investment for the workshop is £500 per person, which includes all materials. For more information and registration details, please email imagocd@gmail.com
A Step Toward Conscious Relationships
Participating in the Keeping the Love You Find workshop is more than an educational endeavour; it’s a commitment to personal development and the cultivation of conscious relationships. By engaging in this process, individuals equip themselves with the knowledge and skills to break free from unhelpful patterns, communicate effectively, and build lasting, loving connections.
For those ready to embark on this transformative journey, the workshop offers a supportive environment to explore, heal, and grow. Whether you’re seeking to understand past relationships or prepare for a future partnership, Keeping the Love You Find provides the tools and insights necessary for a fulfilling relational life.
If you’re tired of repeating the same dating disappointments and are ready for a real breakthrough, this workshop is for you!
Investment for the workshop is £500 per person, which includes all materials.
For more information and registration details, please email me directly at imagocd@gmail.com. I would be delighted to engage in a personal interview before you sign up.