Now you are probably wondering what on earth this article could possibly be about. How can one of the most difficult periods of your life be described as positive? That’s true. When you are caught in the eye of the storm and weathering the turbulence of divorce, it is incredibly tough to imagine that anything good might ever come out of it. Even if you are the one who initiated the separation, the emotional roller-coaster can be wearing and seemingly never-ending. But the good news about divorceis that it always eventually ends. It may take longer than planned or deliver different outcomes than expected but it will end. But once you come out of that long tunnel of uncertainty, you will find that your divorce has been an experience of growth, not only a painful life transition.
1 – Reconnecting with your true self
When a couple splits up, the two individuals who exit the relationship often find themselves feeling a little bit truncated. As if the couple wasn’t really composed of two complete individuals. It is normal for the aftermath of divorce to require some adaptation, especially when you had grown used to running most decisions past your spouse or sharing your concerns with them. In many cases, divorcing individuals report feeling like they have lost their best friend, the person who knew them best in the world. This can create a real sense of emptiness.
The upside of no longer being half of a couple, however, is that it allows you to grow back into your full self. It might be overwhelming at first but there is a real sense of freedom in being able to make your own decisions and live your life without considering someone else’s preferences. You can decide to have yogurt for dinner instead of having to prepare a family dinner, you can spend all day in bed on a rainy Sunday without pressure of going out because your spouse is in a more active mood. You call the shots, and that means you have a unique opportunity of reconnecting with who you truly are. It forces you to be much more attuned to your own needs, feelings and opinions.
Once you get past the initial insecurity of not being part of a couple, you can start spending some time exploring who you have become. You may choose to reconnect with old hobbies, old friends or old habits. You may choose to make some radical changes. But whatever choices you make, they will be solely yours and will allow you to align your life fully to your own personal desires. If and when you decide to start dating again, you will likely bring to the table a greater awareness of your needs and wants, making a much more intentional decision with regards to whom you choose to give your heart.
2 – Rediscovering what really matters to you
The second silver lining of divorce is that hardships help you redefine your priorities. For many people, this means appreciating their blessings in a way they hadn’t before. In the likely case that you will become a part time parent, you will suddenly appreciate the time you have with your children more than in the past, and make the most of the moments you spend together. You will appreciate having your own house and decorating it the way you want. The process of divorce will also likely lead to a weeding out of defective friendships. You will rediscover your true friends and solidify your bonds with them as they hold steady by your side through the upheavals of divorce.
As distressing as life’s stumbling blocks can be, they also present a unique opportunity to refocus on what truly matters. They provide us with a new perspective on the important things in our life and often lead to a greater appreciation for the people and things we have by our side. Most importantly, they allow us to reconnect with our true values and remember what really matters to us.
3- Knowing your own strength
Last but not least, I want to highlight one of the most amazing lessons from divorce, or any suffering for that matter. Once you have come out at the other end, you should always take a moment to reflect on how far you’ve come. As humans, we have a tendency to underestimate our own resilience. We are hardwired to dread change and to anticipate threats that might come from the uncertainty it brings. But, as we survive and come out of divorce holding our head high, we have to recognise that we ultimately were much stronger than we thought. Your divorce may be amicable or terribly conflictual, either way, it will be something you have overcome, an obstacle which you have survived despite its seismic effects.
This article is intended as a message of hope to all those experiencing the difficulties of divorce or separation. The transition might seem long. It might seem impossible. It might seem like you’ll never get over it. Unfortunately, the only option is to get through it. But once it is all over and you gain a little distance, you will begin to appreciate the positive lessons that have come out of this experience. You will have grown in confidence and you will be in a much stronger position to embark on the next chapter of your life on your own terms.
About the author:
Email chloe@thedivorceandseparationcoach.com
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